Have you ever felt a bit like a pizza? Like someone ordered you up, in a certain way, in order to fill one purpose and one purpose only: to satiate a hunger? If not then you probably are not dating. Lucky you.
Online dating is a bit like ordering a pizza online. Sure, there are lots of different sites to go to find that pizza you are wanting, and you can try going through the list of qualities you look for in a pizza, and pick out exactly what you want, but you can never be certain that the pizza that knocks on your door will be the one you want to spend your life with. Or something like that. Now I’m hungry, and not quite sure what I was getting at here.
Oh yeah, dating. That’s it. Lately, I have been the one who has been ordered up it seems by people I would least expect. I am the pizza. The problem with being the pizza, is that I can’t control who wants to order me, and what their reasons are for it. I’m going to get off the pizza thing, because it’s starting to get weird, but what I’m trying to say is that lately, dudes from my past have been coming around, only wanting me to fill their hunger for sex, not their hunger to have a partner for the rest of their lives, and I’m wondering why the fuck that is.
Kevin, who I talked a bit about last week, is one of them. I can never tell if he just misses me as a person, or as his partner, or just misses having a girlfriend in general, or if he misses me because he is horny, and I’m no longer there to satisfy that need for him anymore. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s the latter, just because when he contacts me, he doesn’t tell me about how he misses me as a person. Ever. He tells me how he misses having someone in the house, or someone to spend time with all the time, and of course, he misses the sex. But he has never said that he misses my laugh, or that he misses the conversations we had, that he misses my sense of humor, or the person I was when I was with him. But he misses having sex with me. That seems to be the only thing he misses about me. Or at least, it’s the only thing he misses about me that he has verbalized the most frequently anyways.
This past week I got another blast from the past in a big way. Friend Zone, who after a bit of thought I have decided to rename him Marty, because over the last few weeks I have grown increasingly frustrated with the concept of the dreaded friend zone, and the negative connotations it has against women, but that topic could (and probably will) be its own post down the road. Anyways, Marty for those who don’t remember was a guy I had met online almost 4 years ago when I still lived in Riverview, we went out a couple of times, and while he was an amazing guy, despite my best efforts to force myself to like him, I did not. The shitty thing was that he really liked me, so I inevitably had to hurt him by placing him as gently as I could into the friend zone. I also made the horrendous mistake of drunkenly sleeping with him on one of my last nights before moving to Lakeview. Since I moved here we have seen each other a couple of times shortly after I moved, but I haven’t heard from him since before I met Kevin. Of course now that Kevin is out of the picture, all these guys are coming back out of the woodworks for me.
So I heard from Marty a couple of weeks ago, just to chat, and see how things were going. It was all very normal, it was all very civil, and most importantly, it was all G rated. Then I heard from him again this past weekend. And it quickly turned from just regular chatting, to him talking about wanting to have sex with me real quick. This is how the conversation went:
I felt like I was trying my best to not encourage him, while still remaining civil.
Trying even harder to let him know I wasn’t interested in talking about this, without being a bitch.
But then, he said that he wanted me to know I’m still desired. And a part of me wanted to snap. I mean, yes, thanks. But I know I am desired. I know that guys want to fuck me; I know that guys want to date me. I’m not alone because nobody wants me; I am currently alone because the right person isn’t here to want me yet. Since I broke up with Kevin there have been a couple guys that I could have dated just for the sake of not being single anymore. But I have never been, nor will I ever be that kind of girl. So I sent this message, and left that be that.
I don’t know guys, I’m not sure what else to do. I don’t know how long I can do this for. There isn’t even much more to say really. I’m just so discouraged by everything. And the worst part is, I don’t even have pizza here right now to cheer me up.