Well hello long lost blueberries. It’s been far too long. I had good reason for it though. I went a little nuts. Well, not actually, but it sure felt like I did. In reality, what I was really busy with was various work things, and my new boyfriend. If you follow me on Twitter you already knew this information about the new boyfriend (if you don’t follow me on the Twitter machine how in the fucking hell did you find me here?!?) If you somehow don’t follow me, I have some interesting news for you: I have a new boyfriend. And not an imaginary one, nor am I jumping the gun and assuming a relationship exists with someone who doesn’t feel the same. We both know and agree that we are in a relationship with one another. However if you follow me on Twitter, you’d also know that even though I’m back in a relationship, it certainly doesn’t mean that I’m any more confident in this one than I was in the last one. In fact, in the 7 months that I have been single, I seem to have forgotten all that I once knew about the whole being someone’s girlfriend thing.
But before I get into the whole “I suck at dating thing” I will tell you about the guy first. His name is Mark. He’s 34, will be 35 later this year. He’s a flight attendant who flies all over Canada, and to the States on occasion. He is cute as hell, he makes me laugh, he says what he thinks, he’s a total goof ball, and he’s a complete sweet heart. He wants to get married and have kids. In essence, he’s pretty much everything I am looking for. We met at the end of April, and right away I liked him. After our second date I knew I wanted to be his girlfriend. And that was before we had even kissed. It didn’t take him long to get to that same conclusion too. About 2 days after our second date, I got a text from him asking me if I’d be his girlfriend. Now, I know that you judgmental fuckers out there are probably thinking, “What the hell? He asked via text?!” to which I will tell you that he was out of the country at the time, and couldn’t wait to see me in person to ask me. If you ask me that is cute as hell.
I, of course said yes. I liked the guy, and who the hell was I to turn down an offer like that from a good guy I actually liked? However, because I’m still me, panic immediately set in. It was too fast. We didn’t really know each other. I jumped into things just as fast with Kevin and look where that got me. And I hadn’t even kissed him yet, let alone anything else. What if we didn’t have any sexual chemistry? In a matter of 5 minutes, I went from being downright giddy that I had gotten myself an awesome new boyfriend, to being a panicked mess, wondering if I had made a huge mistake. But then I saw him later that week, and remembered why I said yes to dating him in the first place. Never mind the fact that the kisses turned out to be pretty damn good and I had nothing to worry about in the sexual chemistry department. We have sexual chemistry in spades. And it was so nice to wake up next to him. I forgot how much I missed that part of it.
I wish I could say that all that was the end of the freak out, but what I didn’t realize at the time was that it was actually only the beginning of the freaking out. Why you ask? Well, because of his job. Now, as I mentioned earlier, he is a flight attendant. This means that he flies all over the place for his work. He technically lives in Lakeview, and has lived there his whole life, but the airport that he is based out of is in another city, about 750ish kilometers away in another province. Because of this, he doesn’t get back to Lakeview very often. In the 6 weeks or so since our first date, I have seen him a whopping 4 times. Remind you guys of anyone? Cause I know it sure reminds me of someone. Someone by the name of Kevin. Thus, the panic attacks.
Of all the things that have been super hard about coming to terms with my break up with Kevin, the hardest is remembering that what happened with him will not be what happens with every man, and that I need to drop what is left of that baggage if I ever want things to work out with someone else. Sure, this situation may be eerily similar to the situation with Kevin, but it isn’t the same. They are two very different men. I’m just having a harder time with it because these first few weeks with Mark have been a lot like the last few weeks with Kevin were. That is an awfully dreadful situation to start a relationship in, and the root of that problem is that I hadn’t come to terms with the issues left behind from Kevin. Fucking figures that I’d be single for 7 months without actually dealing with the baggage I had. Leave it to me to bring all that shit into this new relationship, using it as a reason to maybe not be with Mark.
Luckily, I didn’t jump the gun on anything. After talking things out with Lucy and Annie (thanks ladies BTW) and escaping the city for a weekend to my brother’s cabin at the lake to snuggle my niece, chat the days away with my sister-in-law and get my drink and hot tubbing on, I came to the conclusion that I can’t end the relationship just because it feels so similar to life with Kevin. Ending a new relationship because of what happened in the old one is bat shit crazy. Mark and I are going to have a different relationship one way or another, because Mark is a much different man. And yes, I’m still me, but my relationship with Kevin, and the breakup of that relationship changed me in a way I can’t really explain. For better or for worse I am different now, so I need to give this thing between Mark and me its due, even if it turns out in the long run to be doomed. And who knows, maybe in the long run we’ll not only be able to survive a long distance relationship, but will be that rare instance where it’s been built on it.
I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, I’m sure you guys will get some interesting tweets and posts out of me while I continue to lose my shit and find my way.
Consider yourselves warned.