(F**k a) Silver Lining (Part One)

I know, I know. It’s been well over a year. It’s been a long time since I’ve put pen to paper (or thumbs to iPhone screen as it were) but I feel like it’s about time I tell you all (the people who still come here, which by the way, wow! There are a lot of you who still come here from time to time! What link on Google sent you here of all places?!) anyways, where was I, oh yeah, it’s about time I tell you all about the most recent disaster in my love life. I figure it’s as good a time as any really, I’m sick with a stomach bug, so while my body is a total shit show (har dee har har) I should also get out the bug that is rotting the inside of my heart too. Maybe it will be cathartic. Or maybe I’ll just end up crying on the toilet. Who knows, that’s the fun of an adventure! (And to any of you disgusted by my literal shit talk, you know what the bible says, let the first guy who has never had the runs be the first to judge the girl crying on the toilet because of her ring of fire. OKAY, I’M DONE NOW, but y’all gotta admit, some of you out there smiled at that, I know it!)

So the last time you and I were here together I had just gotten back into the same rut as always with Erik. We were seeing each other quite frequently at that point. But I knew that we were never going to be more. And I was the one pulling away. I started to be the one to go, “Well, it’s about time to hit the ol’ dusty trail.” And would be getting dressed and leaving before things could get too 2012 “Olivia falling for Erik” again. Cause I knew this song and dance. I wasn’t going to be the one getting hurt this time. I wasn’t going to let myself fall for him again knowing full well that he was never going to want me. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to let my feelings or the picture of a potential (albeit completely unattainable) future together stop me from finding someone amazing.

So, last year, on my birthday, May 30th (mark it in your calendars, next year I expect presents damnit!) I signed up (again) on the dating site. And by the end of that night I had started to chat with the man who would (spoiler alert!) eventually shatter my heart and world to a million pieces.

His name was Henry (it wasn’t really, but you know the drill) and he was pretty great. He was a few years older than me, he was smart, funny, had a good job at a bank, he played the guitar, and he was British. He was great, but not perfect. He had been married, and when we met his divorce was only in the works, but not actually final. And, he had two kids. A son (8yrs old) and a daughter (3yrs old). But besides everything, we hit it off, and I figured, what the hell, we could at the very least meet and see where that goes.

A week after my birthday we met at a restaurant here. Nothing fancy, just a nice place where we could chat a bit. Over the week since we had first messaged online, we had continued to text and had even had a 2 hour phone call a few nights before we met. And the more I talked to him, the more I liked him. On the phone that night I told him about my love of chocolate, and he informed me that there is a Cadbury land in England that is reminiscent of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. He also gave me the hot tip that Walmart sells giant ass Cadbury Dairy Milks in the British food isle for only 5 bucks. I was excited about that cause I was (and still am) both cheap and chunky. So imagine my sheer delight when he got out of his vehicle at the restaurant carrying a giant ass Dairy Milk. We hadn’t even known each other for 5 minutes and I knew that I liked this guy.

The date from then on just kept getting better and better. We sat and chatted for 4 and a half hours. We literally closed the place down, and didn’t even realize it. I really liked him. So when there was talk of a second date, then a third, and then we were officially a couple, I was over the fucking moon. It just all seemed to work. We saw each other as much as we could, but he had his kids quite a bit, so at the beginning I didn’t see him as much as I would have liked. But his kids came first, because of course they were, so it was fine.

Finally after about two months of us being together I finally decided it was time to meet the kids. I was just as nervous to meet his kids as I was to meet him for the first time. It was the first time I had ever been dating a single dad, and while I have two wonderful step parents of my own, and I work with children for a living, I really had no idea how I was supposed to be with his kids. I knew that how I was with them, and how they felt about me would be a big deal. We met at a McDonalds for supper. The kids seemed shy at first, but after the chicken nuggets were done, they were able to play in the play place, so I ceased to exist to them after that point. I would have had to be dressed up like Ronald McFucking McDonald to get their attention once the play place became an option.

After that evening I got to spend time with him and his kids way more. His kids seemed to like having me around. His son would show me all the stuff on his Minecraft game, and his daughter would beg me to play Shopkins or Barbies with her. Henry would tell me that they would ask about me when he FaceTimed with them, and when they knew I was with him when they chatted, they wanted to say hi to me too. And I was falling in love. Not just with Henry, but with his family. I felt like they were falling for me too. The way I would sometimes catch Henry just looking at me with this stupid smile on his face, or how his kids faces would light up when they saw me. I could feel like we were falling together. I was dying to tell him, but resisted, I wanted him to say it first, so I waited patiently for him to make the first move. (I know this probably says a lot about who I am as a person, but I don’t care) So you can imagine how thrilled I was when one night after spending the day with him and the kids, as I was on his front step, giving him a goodnight kiss as I was leaving, he whispered in my ear that he loved me.

Things were going great. I was on cloud 9. I started to think of our future together. While I was falling deeper in love with him and his kids, he was trying to speed up his divorce. And the closer he got to that, the more I let myself picture us moving in together, him proposing, the words I would say to his kids on our wedding day, and how the kids would react if they were finding out that they were going to have a little brother or sister. I even pictured life with him as a retired couple. He talked all the time about one day moving back to England, and I could picture us, old, sitting on a porch swing somewhere in England together, bellies full of Cadbury, him playing his guitar for me while I knit something for the grandkids. It was a lovely picture.

However, as you already know from my opening paragraph (and the rest of my blog, let’s be honest) that this story doesn’t have a happy ending. And in order to get to that not so happy ending, I’m unfortunately going to have to leave you all in suspense for a little while. Cause I’m tired. And feeling blah.

Be well for now, my blueberries.



Nobody But Me

A few weeks ago, as I was thinking of writing this, I was sitting on a beach near Lakeview, looking out at a handful of little kids, who were making sand castles, splashing in the water and having fun as only children can on the last weekend of summer vacation. It was bright and warm like summer days should be, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The days leading up to this one were almost unbearably hot (you know, for Canada anyways) but this day it was a touch cooler, as if it was a subtle reminder of summer’s finality and the weather that is just around the corner waiting for us. This actually suited me quite well, because even though I enjoy a hot summer day as much as the next person, a cool day at the beach meant that I could relax in the sun without sweat pooling in my ass crack. 

If that paragraph sounds at all familiar, then clearly you have been to this blog before as you may recognize it from my last post from almost three months ago. I will often plagiarize myself when I’m finding it difficult to come up with new things to write. I would just repost what I wrote three months ago, but thankfully, things have changed just enough that I can rewrite the rest. 

See, this time around, a good few months since I wrote the first bit, as I was sitting on that same beach my mind not once wandered to anything Kevin related like it had before. I looked out at the people on their floaties and only thought of how much fun it would be to have a pizza shaped one like one of the teenagers out there had. When I was in the (fucking freezing) cold water and saw the boats out in the distance drive by I thought only of how cold I was going to be in a moment when the waves that those boats created hit me and splashed up over my tits, whose nipples already had the ability to cut glass. And when I looked at the yacht club, I still thought of how fucking ridiculous it is for there to be a yacht club at this beach, but I also thought about how nice it would be to own one of the pontoon boats (or as the fancy people here like to call them, yachts) that was parked in the marina. But not even once did my brain think of these things in relation to Kevin.

This is probably because this time, sitting next to me on my beach blanket was a beautiful, kind hearted, sweet, caring, funny, intelligent man who for whatever reason had decided he liked me enough to call me his girlfriend. I’m still a little fuzzy on why he likes me; he seems to not care so much about the baggage that I have definitely brought with me into this relationship, and in fact, he seems perfectly ok with helping me carry this baggage. So there I sat, on my beach blanket, in the warm sun with a cool breeze, next to this half naked man whose dark chocolate skin glistened with sweat and lake water in the sun rays. We talked, he told me about his family back home, we swam, I froze, we snacked and relaxed and he even got mistaken for a football player (because apparently, in Lakeview, if you are black, you of course are a football player, so between this and the ridiculous “Yacht Club”, I see how cartoonish the place I live in is). 

We met at the beginning of August. It wasn’t in anyway an earth shattering exchange really. He messaged me online, and seemed far more normal than most guys that had been lately. Our first date was simple, we met at a Boston Pizza, which for those of you who are unfamiliar, is the sit-down restaurant equivalent of a McDonald’s in that there are no less than three of these restaurants in any given city, at least in my province anyways. We chatted, got to know one another, and then said our goodbyes and that was it. We met up a few more times, and had been seeing eachother every couple of days before we decided to be exclusive, and that seems to be that. 

It’s not that this new boyfriend has made me forget or not care about the past. I would never naively believe that that would ever be the case. I still think about Kevin from time to time, against my best attempts not to. And I still absentmindedly bring him up in conversation, in a “well when Kevin and I lived together…” or “when Kevin and I were booking our trip to Cuba…” kind of way. He was a huge part of my life for a while there, so while I try to do my best to suppress the Kevin-ing, it tends to raise its ugly head from time to time.

Things are thankfully getting better. I’m glad I found this new man, and hope things will work between us. So far our biggest issue is that we want to spend more time together and are finding it hard to balance our lives in a way that we can see each other several times a week, so I’m taking that to be a good sign. 
I guess only time will tell. All I can do is hope the best, work for what I want and bundle the fuck up, because that summer beach day has long since gone, the leaves are already half off the trees here, and winter is definitely closer than I’d like to believe it is. Fuck. Wish me luck. On all those things.


Basket Case

Well hello long lost blueberries.  It’s been far too long.  I had good reason for it though.  I went a little nuts.  Well, not actually, but it sure felt like I did.  In reality, what I was really busy with was various work things, and my new boyfriend.  If you follow me on Twitter you already knew this information about the new boyfriend (if you don’t follow me on the Twitter machine how in the fucking hell did you find me here?!?) If you somehow don’t follow me, I have some interesting news for you: I have a new boyfriend.  And not an imaginary one, nor am I jumping the gun and assuming a relationship exists with someone who doesn’t feel the same.  We both know and agree that we are in a relationship with one another. However if you follow me on Twitter, you’d also know that even though I’m back in a relationship, it certainly doesn’t mean that I’m any more confident in this one than I was in the last one.  In fact, in the 7 months that I have been single, I seem to have forgotten all that I once knew about the whole being someone’s girlfriend thing.

But before I get into the whole “I suck at dating thing” I will tell you about the guy first.  His name is Mark.  He’s 34, will be 35 later this year.  He’s a flight attendant who flies all over Canada, and to the States on occasion. He is cute as hell, he makes me laugh, he says what he thinks, he’s a total goof ball, and he’s a complete sweet heart.  He wants to get married and have kids.  In essence, he’s pretty much everything I am looking for.  We met at the end of April, and right away I liked him.  After our second date I knew I wanted to be his girlfriend.  And that was before we had even kissed. It didn’t take him long to get to that same conclusion too.  About 2 days after our second date, I got a text from him asking me if I’d be his girlfriend.  Now, I know that you judgmental fuckers out there are probably thinking, “What the hell? He asked via text?!” to which I will tell you that he was out of the country at the time, and couldn’t wait to see me in person to ask me.  If you ask me that is cute as hell.

I, of course said yes.  I liked the guy, and who the hell was I to turn down an offer like that from a good guy I actually liked?  However, because I’m still me, panic immediately set in.  It was too fast.  We didn’t really know each other.  I jumped into things just as fast with Kevin and look where that got me. And I hadn’t even kissed him yet, let alone anything else. What if we didn’t have any sexual chemistry?  In a matter of 5 minutes, I went from being downright giddy that I had gotten myself an awesome new boyfriend, to being a panicked mess, wondering if I had made a huge mistake. But then I saw him later that week, and remembered why I said yes to dating him in the first place. Never mind the fact that the kisses turned out to be pretty damn good and I had nothing to worry about in the sexual chemistry department.  We have sexual chemistry in spades.  And it was so nice to wake up next to him.  I forgot how much I missed that part of it.

I wish I could say that all that was the end of the freak out, but what I didn’t realize at the time was that it was actually only the beginning of the freaking out.  Why you ask?  Well, because of his job.  Now, as I mentioned earlier, he is a flight attendant.  This means that he flies all over the place for his work.  He technically lives in Lakeview, and has lived there his whole life, but the airport that he is based out of is in another city, about 750ish kilometers away in another province.  Because of this, he doesn’t get back to Lakeview very often. In the 6 weeks or so since our first date, I have seen him a whopping 4 times.  Remind you guys of anyone?  Cause I know it sure reminds me of someone.  Someone by the name of Kevin.  Thus, the panic attacks.

Of all the things that have been super hard about coming to terms with my break up with Kevin, the hardest is remembering that what happened with him will not be what happens with every man, and that I need to drop what is left of that baggage if I ever want things to work out with someone else. Sure, this situation may be eerily similar to the situation with Kevin, but it isn’t the same. They are two very different men.  I’m just having a harder time with it because these first few weeks with Mark have been a lot like the last few weeks with Kevin were.  That is an awfully dreadful situation to start a relationship in, and the root of that problem is that I hadn’t come to terms with the issues left behind from Kevin.  Fucking figures that I’d be single for 7 months without actually dealing with the baggage I had.  Leave it to me to bring all that shit into this new relationship, using it as a reason to maybe not be with Mark.

Luckily, I didn’t jump the gun on anything.  After talking things out with Lucy and Annie (thanks ladies BTW) and escaping the city for a weekend to my brother’s cabin at the lake to snuggle my niece, chat the days away with my sister-in-law and get my drink and hot tubbing on, I came to the conclusion that I can’t end the relationship just because it feels so similar to life with Kevin. Ending a new relationship because of what happened in the old one is bat shit crazy. Mark and I are going to have a different relationship one way or another, because Mark is a much different man. And yes, I’m still me, but my relationship with Kevin, and the breakup of that relationship changed me in a way I can’t really explain.  For better or for worse I am different now, so I need to give this thing between Mark and me its due, even if it turns out in the long run to be doomed.   And who knows, maybe in the long run we’ll not only be able to survive a long distance relationship, but will be that rare instance where it’s been built on it.

I guess only time will tell.  In the meantime, I’m sure you guys will get some interesting tweets and posts out of me while I continue to lose my shit and find my way.

Consider yourselves warned.




Airplane Goodbyes

Annnnnnnnd…..I’m back. Yup, there is nothing quite like an unexplained, unneeded, 2 and a half month hiatus from writing. It’s not that there haven’t been things I could have written about, I just haven’t really wanted to. As you can tell, writing clearly hasn’t been my top priority. But I’m back (for today anyways) to give you all a little Olivia before I inevitably take another long ass break. You are welcome. Also, you look well. These last few months have been good to you.

So, where was I when we last had time together? Ah yes, I was talking about my family and my brother’s upcoming wedding. For those wondering, the wedding was beautiful, I had lots of fun, and got slobbering drunk with some of my favorite family members. I will always be #blessed to have the delightful memory of my dad (who rarely drinks) being so shitfaced that he not only became an impromptu auctioneer and magician but also performed a very entertaining sloppy dance to Gangnam Style with 5 of my uncles. I am cut from a very interesting cloth, to say the least.

In my time away, I also turned 30. Wow, right? I know what you are all thinking. “Holy fuck, she actually had a birthday – and a big one for that matter – without making a huge fucking spectacle of it. I’m shocked.” Don’t worry, I am just as surprised by it as you are. 30 came and went pretty quietly. I had a low key BBQ with a couple friends and some family. Nothing too crazy and I was perfectly fine with that. Perhaps I’m starting to mellow in my old age.

These days I am relaxing my ass off, trying to enjoy my summer off. One of the beautiful benefits of working in a school is being on the school schedule. Having the opportunity to have the summer off is quite nice. For the most part. The catch to this summer is that I will be a single girl for most of it.

No, no, Kevin and I didn’t break up. Trust me, if that happened, there would be much more darkness to this post. It’s Kevin’s job this summer that has made me a lone wolf this summer, and so far – ridiculously bored. Kevin’s job has always kept him on the road for a decent amount of time since long before I met him. I knew full well what I was getting myself into before we started dating, and I was (and to an extent, still am) ok with that fact. I just didn’t know how fucking hard it would be sometimes. Hat’s off to those of you out there who have done or are doing the long-term, long distance thing. I don’t know how people do this for so long. He has only been gone for 3 weeks, and I’m going a bit nuts.

Usually he’s only ever a few hundred kilometres/miles away from home. Usually he’s easily within driving distance, so if I really wanted to, I could go see him for a day or a weekend. Usually he’s in a town or city with decent enough cell reception, or at the very least he’d be staying in a hotel or motel with a land line (remember those?!) so I could talk to him on the phone most nights. Sometimes he’d even get the luxury of unlimited Wi-fi so we could at least send unlimited iMessage sweet nothings (sexts) into one another’s iPhones.

Not this time.

In the last couple of months his job has changed, which means that for the summer at least (and from the sounds of it into the fall and winter if he wants) he is located way up in Northern Canada (we’re talking flying reindeer and elves up North), approximately 2500 kilometres (or approx 1550 ish miles for my imperial friends) away from me. He’s not accessible by car and even if he were it would roughly be a 24 hour drive (according to Google Maps) to get there. He’s living in communal living quarters where he has to share a dozen landlines with the other 300 or so people who also work at the same site. This means that I only get to talk to him 2 or 3 times a week if i’m lucky, because the phones as you can imagine are often busy, and there is no cell service to be had. He does have Wi-fi, but it is limited to only a couple hundred megabytes a day, and it can be fairly patchy at times, which means that Facebook messenger is our primary method of communication. And if you’ve ever used the Facebook messenger, you get how unfortunate that is (holy fuck, #firstworldproblems amirite?)

Mostly I just miss him here with me. Maybe if I was still at work, or had other stuff to preoccupy my time that the time he’s away would go by more quickly. I’ve already taken up knitting, what the hell else am I supposed to do? My mom suggested cross stitching and I almost went along with that. Then I realized that I’m only 30, not 60, and wisely decided against it. I need hobbies that get me out of the house, not another hobby that will cloister me in the house even more than I already am.

Luckily for me, Kevin is back in 3 days, and by the time you all read this, he will be home, and in my arms. And even though I am so excited to see him, I’m already dreading being back at the airport in 9 or 10 days to say goodbye again. Tearful airplane goodbyes are not just for Hollywood, but also for my emotional basket cased ass. You all should be proud of me though. When I dropped Kevin off the first time 3 weeks ago, I didn’t cry till I got to the car. That’s strength I tells ya.

For now I am slowly counting down the hours till he’s home and busy keeping my mind on other things, like Netflix and old episodes of Criminal Minds, which by the way I am in love with, but holy fuck that show is not good to watch when you are alone. I check to make sure the security alarm is turned on at least 3 times before I go bed every night as well as checking all the windows and doors to make damn sure they are locked tight. I have this paranoid feeling like someone is going to break into the house and murder me. So much that I’m seriously thinking about getting a giant dog just to keep me safe while Kevin is gone. See? This is what I was talking about when I said I was going nuts. I meant it.

Well folks, I know that you missed me so much that you wish I didn’t ever have to say goodbye again, but it’s time for me to find something to do. I promise that I will at least try to be back here again soon, but if I disappear into the world wide abyss again, have a good summer!


Cold December Night

Well hello all my beautiful blueberries! It’s been awhile since we’ve been together, and I must say, the time apart has been good to you all, you all look lovely. And cold. Most of you look cold. Winter, am I right? (Also, no one asked you Australia, you opposite season, warm in December jerks who won’t share the warmth with North America. It’s downright rude if you ask me.)

Anyways, enough with being mean to my awesomely accented long distance neighbors to the south. The end of 2014 is almost upon us (the end is even closer to those Australians I was talking about.) I know I say this every year, but I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by. Feeling like your years are constantly getting shorter and happening faster, and getting excited over new appliances are two main ways to tell that you are a full-fledged adult, and you are getting old, by the way, in case you were wondering.

Although 2014 seemed to disappear in a flash, it has been by far one of the best years of my adult life. Sure, it hasn’t all been awesome, after all, my grandpa passed away in the spring, I lost a dear friend this year, not due to death, but due to circumstances in which I was an innocent bystander who got hit by the shrapnel of an exploding marriage, where all mutual friends such as myself had to pick sides. I have struggled with money most of the year, over the summer I nannied for 3 of the most challenging children I’ve ever met in my life and my beloved Riders had a completely mediocre season after our star quarterback got injured in September and we didn’t make it past the first playoff game. Meanwhile, the team I loathe the most was the one who got to hoist the Championship cup above their heads. The football stuff alone is enough to make me cry (although that isn’t saying much. I cry over pretty much everything).

But all that is really small potatoes compared to all the good this year has brought. My family is happy and healthy (including one of my favorite uncles, who is kicking cancers ass!! Yay!!) I’m doing well at my job and I thoroughly enjoy coming to work every day and on top of that I make slightly bigger money than I was last year at my last workplace. I’m even starting to warm up to Lakeview, enough in fact that I might even possibly be teetering towards liking it. The snow removal seems to be better this year, which may have something to do with my newfound warmth towards the city. Mind you, it’s only the beginning of December, so ask me how I feel about this place (and its snow removal) again at the end of January and I might be singing a different tune. And of course, the biggest reason why this year has been so fantastic, is that I have found a wonderful man who actually loves me, and isn’t imaginary.

Remember back in 2013 when all I wrote about were the CMs, the Hardwood Floors, and the Tittysprinkles of the world, miserably going from one loser to the next waiting to not find my prince, but just looking for someone who wasn’t a complete bag of dicks that I could date for more than a month? I know I sure do. I don’t miss that, the never ending uncertainty of dating and being alone. This so much better. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Kevin makes me happy. And to those of you who were wondering, so far the living together has been good. Although, I will give you one piece of solid advice if you are looking to move in with a significant other: Buy pre-built furniture. It may be more expensive, but let me assure you that the extra cost is definitely worth the stress-free set-up. Or, you can be like me. Frustrated, yelling at a screw that just won’t fucking twist itself into its tiny little screw hole because the drill was turned to the reverse setting, by accident. Well fuck you too 11pm on a work night after a long ass day, fuck you.

Luckily, our relationship has not been like I am when I’m building stuff. Not that our relationship has been perfect. This year I’ve been a bigger basket case than I’ve ever been. Being in a relationship has managed to drag out all of my insecurities (and of those there are many) and has left me to worry about every little thing under the sun. I’ve constantly been worried that this year was going too well, and that surely the rug would be pulled out from under me, and I would be right back where I did not want to be; alone and unhappy, still looking for “the one” even though I could have sworn that I had already found him.

I still worry about that. Does it ever go away after a certain point? Maybe I’m still too new at the relationship thing to be completely logical about it all, but I’d really like it if my brain would just shut the fuck up already, and let me lose all the insecurities that have been holding me back. Or worse yet, let my insecurities push people away. I need to just relax.

Maybe if I relaxed a bit more, I’d have more time and energy to panic about other things. Like Christmas. Oh yeah. It’s December. It’s time for my January to November worries to dissolve into a 25 day (now it’s a 22 day, fuck me) stress filled Christmas season. Christmas is a huge source of stress for me. This is the first year that I’ve had to carefully and strategically plan the family gatherings for Christmas. Christmas Day has always been split down the middle between parents, and every year we have done the same thing, like clockwork so that everyone got equal time with everybody. That’s just what my life with divorced parents was like. So adding another family to the mix has caused me some anxiety. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday because of the family time, but there just aren’t enough hours in the day, so someone somewhere gets knocked down to last place on the priority list. I hate not being able to make everyone happy. And for me, while this isn’t the first Christmas with a boyfriend, it’s the first Christmas where I have had a boyfriend who wants to be with me for the holidays, and is also very concerned with making everyone (especially me) happy.

Luckily both mine and Kevin’s families have been flexible so that we will hopefully be able to spend good quality time with everyone and make it work, but it’s a change, and the first year in all my 29 years where my Christmas routine is different, and I’m trying not to panic about it. I don’t do change very well.

In-between panic attacks, I have to remember that this year is the perfect year to make new traditions. For instance, I’m trying to make it a tradition that all my Christmas shopping gets finished by American Thanksgiving, so that I can avoid Black Friday and all other mall/store Christmas shopping madness at all costs. I did not succeed at that this year, but I only have my step-mom left to shop for, so I’m considering this a total win! Another tradition I’ve always had by myself is watching all my favorite Christmas movies. But this year, Kevin is watching Elf with me, whether he likes it or not!

Now all I need to do is to calm the fuck down. So, since I have such troubles with that, I came up with a great list of ways to help me calm the fuck down. If you have any suggestions to add, please tweet them to me, or comment below (nobody ever comments…)

Ways For Olivia to CTFD Over the Holidays, and Forever After That

1. Unfriend everyone on Facebook who posts more than 3 pictures of their motherfucking Elf on a Shelf. Do what you want with your kids for the holidays, I don’t care, but I don’t want to see my newsfeed with 20 pictures of everybody’s Elf having a tea party every day. My Facebook should not be an Elf on a Shelf advent calendar during the month of December. Parents, I know you love your kids, but I sure as hell don’t have to. Pipe the fuck down over there.

2. Speaking of social media, unfollow anybody who uses #blessed in their posts, un-ironically or un-sarcastically. It’s overdone and because of this, the word has lost some of the meaning behind it. Sure, you have wonderful things in your life like friends and family, and it’s wonderful that you are grateful for these things and to have them certainly does make you #blessed, but when you say that you are also #blessed because the barista at Starbucks put the perfect amount of whipped cream on your latte, it trivializes the meaning, and makes me wonder if you really understand what it means to really be #blessed by good fortune in this world.

3. Actually, come to think of it, just quit social media altogether. It needs you more than you need it. Or at least that’s what you need to tell yourself when you are going through severe withdrawals. (I can just log in once. And I can log out whenever I want.)

4. Watch awesome Christmas movies and quote them at random throughout the day even if the situation doesn’t call for it. Just cause its fun. “BYE BUDDY, I HOPE YOU FIND YOUR DAD!”

5. Bubble baths with good smelling bubble stuffs, while watching your favorite show or movie. Actually, I use this method to CTFD all year long, but I up my dosage around the holidays. Helpful hint: adding wine to this package makes you seem sexy and classy, even if the wine comes from a bag, or a box.

6. Add booze! Any booze! All booze! Just don’t ever throw up in a communal punch bowl and you will be golden!

7. Sex. Lots of sex. All the sex. Just don’t ever fuck on or near the communal punch bowl and you will be golden!

I think I am nailing the whole Christmas thing this year! Well blueberries, it is time for me to sign off. I wish you all a very happy December (because we all know that it’s unlikely that I will be back for another post in 2014), and I hope to see more of you in 2015! Play safe; drink and fuck responsibly!


Here's some holiday spirit for you. This is our Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. I know you're all jealous, don't lie.

Here’s some holiday spirit for you. This is our Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. I know you’re all jealous, don’t lie.

As Long As I Got You

Hollywood has definitely given me unrealistic expectations of love and relationships. In almost every movie or tv show I have ever seen, relationships and love are portrayed in one of two ways; either they come off as perfect, with the couple never having an argument they can’t get through, or it’s incredibly complicated and messy. In those portrayals, the couples fight all the damn time, they treat each other poorly the entire relationship, and for some reason, they often stay together far too long, and end up causing both parties to leave the relationship with gigantic pieces of luggage. Or, they are meant to be with not a single bump in the road aside from one ridiculous, trivial fight that “threatens the relationship”, but ultimately makes them stronger, and every rides off into the sunset completely happy.

Don’t worry, I know that I am part of the problem with Hollywood. Because I eat that shit up. I sit there all gooney eyed, drooling over the Ryan Goslings and Channing Tatums of these movies and TV shows, wishing that I had a relationship and yes, to a certain extent, a boyfriend like that. Not because I don’t love my boyfriend, or our relationship, but because in the movies things just always work out. Always. I enjoy buying into the idea that there is a perfect relationship to be had out there, and that if you love someone enough, that happily ever after is only a couple of hours, and a few romantic montages away.

I’m starting to see how ridiculously out of touch both me and Hollywood are when it comes to relationships and love, and how ridiculous I am for actually wanting that to be my life.

This is something coupled people don’t tell you when you are single. They don’t tell you (or at least the couples in my life didn’t convey it strongly enough to me) that relationships have their perfect moments, and their messy moments, and to make things work there seems to be a need to always be balancing between smooth sailing, and getting through awful, bumpy times. Relationships aren’t like the pretend ones that big wigs get paid truck loads of money to make in order to sell tickets to a movie theatre. Real life is far more complicated than that.

Coupled people also don’t convey just how insecure and crazy town banana pants you might possibly become when you fall in love. And even if they did, you probably wouldn’t believe it’s as bad as they say. But let me assure you, it is. You will be batshit crazy, at least some of the time. And if you are like me, you will be batshit crazy almost all the time.

For me, I’m a crier. I don’t know why, I don’t know if I’ve always been so sensitive, or if it was a chain of events from a few years back that made me the blubbering basket case I am, but I find myself always within arms reach of the waterworks. Kevin (Boyfriend’s new fake name! And yes there is a reason for this name. The story behind it makes me giggle, and no, I’m not telling you about it, because frankly I don’t think anyone will find the story funny like I do) is starting to see that. There hasn’t been any argument or disagreement or feelings sharing that hasn’t ended with me in tears, and Kevin trying to make things better. Bless his heart for putting up with me. Seriously. I Kim Kardashian ugly cry at least once every couple of weeks. I’m starting to wonder what he sees in me…

Recently, what I have been crying about more than anything, is our living arrangements. Since July I have spent at most, 3 nights in my own bed, at the condo. The rest of the time I have been living out of a couple (or 4) duffel bags at Kevin’s. I go back to the condo once or twice every couple of weeks to grab something from my room, or check on the cat if Lucy is gone and her sister can’t check on Pancake, or to drop of the rent I still pay but rarely use. Then I go back to Kevin’s, and live rent free there, basically free loading off him, while paying for a place I can barely say I’m living in.

I feel like pointing out that Kevin and I have talked about the whole money thing, and not once has Kevin ever complained about the fact that I don’t (well, can’t) help out financially. He understands completely that I can only afford one place, and has said flat-out that he loves having me there with him, and that he doesn’t want me to leave, nor is he concerned about me not contributing to his house or living expenses in any way. Just in case some of you thought that the whole “loving being together all the time” thing was all me. He loves me guys, so shut up.

So,you ask, why don’t you just move in to his house?

That is a good question, anonymous question asker. It’s a question I wish I had a clear answer to. We’ve been together for 8 months, we love each other, there is no sign in sight of a pending break-up, and we have been “living together” in peace for almost 3 months already. In the movies, the “happy couple” is only ever together for a week or so before they are living together. We’ve been together for so much longer than that! So why wouldn’t actual living together not work?

Well, first off, again, this is Hollywood. And second, it really is a big step. I’ve been thinking about this a lot in the last couple of weeks, and I can see why there was hesitation when the subject of living together came up. Yes, I was the one who was guns blazing, ready to move in like fricken a month ago for crying out loud, and he was the cautious one. But now the more that I think about it, the more I can see his point of view. It is a big step. And a big first, for the both of us.

Having my room at the condo is a safety net. A rather expensive safety net, but a nice one to have, just in case. It’s there if a clean break is needed in case of a big fight or a break-up, or If I bash my shin on his great big coffee table for the 500th God damned time, and I need space – from the coffee table. Not that I foresee any of these things besides the coffee table thing, happening in the future, and I hope to hell to never be in need of a “safe house”. But shit happens. Even though we have been doing well, and have been able to work shit out like adults for the most part (minus my continuous blubbering), you never know. Shit can go sour in one hell of a hurry when you least expect it to. And unlike the movies, there usually isn’t the foreshadowing that tips you off of the trouble to come.

Now on the flip side of that, if things go well, like I’d hope they would, then living together, in theory will be great. And if we continue on the way we have been, in all honesty, it wouldn’t change anything in our relationship. Plus, if we have the motto “we can’t do that, because we may break-up” we are just setting ourselves up for failure. Yes, it would suck if shit hit the fan, yes I would be scrambling for a place to live, yes it would be awkward. But if we always hold back in fear of the relationship ending, we’ll never get to that next step in our relationship, because that’s the perfect excuse for every big step in a relationship. Moving in is a big step. In fact, it’s the one right before one of the biggest relationship milestones, which of course is recording TV shows on a shared PVR. That’s a big deal, I tells ya. Kevin is already nervous about the amount of episodes of The Mindy Project and Long Island Medium are going to be on the PVR. But that my friends is a subject for another blog one day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think moving in together is a good next step for us, and I think we’ll kick ass at it. Which is a good attitude to have seeing as though in this last week since I started writing this entry, Kevin and I have indeed decided to live together, officially.

So in between my brief panic attacks, feeling overwhelmed by how much shit I need to do before the 26th of October (tentative moving day) and constantly asking Kevin if he’s absolutely sure he wants to live with me, I’ll be packing all my stuff up yet again, and leaving Lucy and Pancake, for a life with Kevin. Holy shit. I’m going to be living with a boy.

If you guys thought that watching me figure out how to have a boyfriend was entertaining, my moving in with said boyfriend is just going to be a hoot. Grab your popcorn guys, this is going to be a fun ride! Actually, grab a box. I need all hands on deck for this move!


I’m Glad You’re Mine

Longevity of anything in this life, especially when it comes to love, seems almost impossible to achieve. Look no further than the current divorce rates around the world and my point is very much proved. I actually googled that stat because I was curious. And now I’m a bit depressed. I’ll share the chart that I found, because I don’t think I should be depressed all by myself.

IMG_4434 (2)
Note to self: do not get married in Belgium, and maybe consider going to Mexico to get hitched.

Now, what I didn’t post here is the rest of the information I found on that website, and the one statistic that scares me the most. It’s the one that says that children with divorced parents (like me) are more likely to never marry, and are more likely to divorce if they do. We are also twice as likely to have anxiety, depression and self esteem issues than those whose parents are still together. So, thanks for that mom and dad.

My parents have been divorced for almost 20 years. They have been divorced longer than they had been married. And they have both been remarried just about as long as they were married to each other. So in theory, we all should have moved on by now. And for the most part, we all have. I rarely think about it. My family is doing great, and my step families are both awesome. But every once in awhile when I think of my own relationships, and especially my current relationship, I can’t help but think about those divorce stats, and how that may affect me without me ever really knowing about it.

I am always worried that the rug will be pulled out from under me when I least expect it, and when I am the most happy. I play it safe, I keep people and relationships at a distance so that if something ends, or people leave, it won’t hurt as much. I’m far too pessimistic for my own good. And like I said, it’s hard for me not to be pessimistic when it comes to love. I’m sure my parents loved each other at some point. And then one day in the 17 years they were together, they started drifting apart. They slowly stopped loving each other. I saw it happen before my eyes. It was slow, and painful. I’ve already felt that pain once in my life, I’m terrified of it happening again. So sue me.

Today, as I write this (on the 21st, and partially on the 22nd), it is the official 6 month mark of boyfriend’s and my first date. Now, to most, a mere 6 months is nothing to really write home about. I used to scoff at people who used to celebrate monthaversaries. I used to think that it was childish, and immature and ridiculous to celebrate or even just being excited about staying with someone for only a handful of weeks. “Pfft, 6 months? Whoopdy friggen doo, you stayed together the average span of a Canadian winter. Congrats, but any maroon could do that.”

However, in my dating life, 6 months is a long fucking time to be in a relationship with the same guy. I’ve never lasted 6 months with anyone. Hell, making it to 6 dates with someone has been difficult for me. Even Dave #4 and I only made it to about 5 and a half months before all hell broke loose. And it’s not just about staying with someone for that long, it’s also being happy with someone for that long of a time.

So 6 months for me is an accomplishment. I’m happy to be at this point in our relationship. I’m thrilled we made it here, and that I’m as happy in my relationship as I am. I’m trying my best to remain optimistic that this one, this relationship, will be the one that sticks.

So far it seems promising. Honestly, we are one romantic montage of scenes from our time together away from being a romantic comedy starring Jason Segel and Rachel McAdams. I pick him because he is probably the actor who boyfriend is the closest to resembling, and her because I love her, and she’s far more beautiful than I am.

Getting back to the point, things have been going well. I definitely see a future with him. And I am looking forward to the next 6 months with him, and the 6 months after that, and so on. I just have to keep reminding myself that. Like I said, I have a tendency to expect the worst. And if you’ve been reading my blog for the last couple of weeks, I have some serious walls up.

I just need to focus on the good. The fact that we still get along after 6 months. The fact that all our arguments have been very small and have resolved themselves very quickly. (For the record, it’s not a god damn goose, it’s a motherfucking DINOSAUR!) The fact that he still makes me laugh my ass off, and how he still gives me the feels in my lady parts on a regular basis. Actually, the fact that everything is working quite well in the bedroom department is a very good sign. Usually that has been the first thing to go in my previous relationships. It’s also to the point that when I spend a few nights sleeping in my own bed instead of his, I don’t sleep as well, and I start to miss him. All these things are good signs. Although our lack of selfies together is cause for concern. I guess it can’t all be smooth sailing, right?

Guys, if this is the love that I’ve been looking for for so long, you can understand why I wouldn’t want to lose it! It’s pretty great!

So congrats to me for being with someone for so long, and congrats to him for being able to put up with me for so long. It’s been a great 6 months, and I can’t wait to see what the next 6 will be like.

And yes, I just spent a full entry gushing over a monthaversary. I’m lame and immature and incredibly awful.

Like you didn’t already know those things!