For the Longest Time

If you would have told me a year ago that these days I’d be contemplating getting back on the dating scene (and let’s be honest here, when I say the “dating scene” I really mean the online dating scene) I would have thought you were crazy. I would have called you a bad four letter name, and went about my life, blissfully in love, and hopelessly unaware that that was indeed going to be a reality these days. If only I had a time machine.

When you break up with someone, timing is usually everything.  I mean nobody wants to be the asshole that dumps someone during a funeral, or while they are getting open heart surgery or something.  That’s a total dick move.  Don’t do that. Luckily for me, the timing for most things in this break up lined up so perfectly that I am wondering if this sadly is what was meant to happen. It happened well before our 2nd anniversary and Christmas and Valentine’s Day, which would have been awful to look back on and realize that Kevin wasn’t happy with me during those times, or was only suffering through them with me so that we could break up during a less devastating couple of months. It happened before I had booked my flight for the trip to Vancouver we were planning for his friend’s wedding, as well as before I dropped big dollars on the perfect Christmas gift I had found for him.  Only by a few days mind you, not even 3 days before we broke up I was pricing both flights and gifts out online.  It also happened during a time when work was slow enough that I was able to take a couple days off to cry it out and get my shit together to move. And as luck would have it, the absolutely affordable, newly renovated basement suite in Lucy and her boyfriend’s house became vacant at the same time I was in need of a new home. I even lucked out when it came to finding free furniture and getting help to move all my shit into my new place.  All things considered, the timing was as good as I could have ever hoped considering the circumstances.

But that is really the only place where time is on my side. In so many other ways, I need to be patient, and wait for things to happen when they are ready to.  And as anyone who has ever read anything here can tell you, I am by no means a patient person. I want to be ready to start dating again.  I want to already be at the point where I rarely think about Kevin, and when I can get butterflies in my stomach about a new guy.  This stage of the break up hurts too much.  I’m not a fan of it.  But there are so many reasons why I know it is too early to even be thinking about dating someone else right now.  For starters, I’m not 100% sure where Kevin and I stand. Sure, the door was left open for the possibility of getting back together, but I’m going crazy already waiting for him to come to me and say, “hey, I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I think breaking up was a big mistake. I can’t picture a future without you.” Even though I have this feeling deep down that knows that the likelihood of hearing Kevin tell me that is about as likely as Robert Downey Jr. seeking me out because he’s always wanted to meet an obnoxious, overweight, dating blogger whom he’s never even heard of. In my heart I know that this break up is probably very permanent.

The second reason is that I get legitimately ill when I think of what dating someone else will be like.  I’ve been around the block enough to know that dating is absolutely awful, and my long term memory is good in that I remember what the guys I met before Kevin were like.  It was one of the reasons why I fell in love with Kevin in the first place. He was different from the rest of the guys out there.  So the thought of having to do that all over again, and meet all those same kinds of guys is super discouraging.  I mean really, what if I get back out there and don’t meet anyone else?  Then what?

The third biggest reason for waiting to date is that I am absolutely not ready to see Kevin date anyone else.  I know that it’s inevitable that he will find a new girlfriend, but the thought of having that happen in the next few months breaks my heart more than anything else.  Do I want him to be happy? Sure.  But would I rather have him alone, and pinning for me, at least until after I’ve long since moved on?  Abso-fucking-lutley.  Call me a selfish bitch all you want, but I guarantee most if not all of you would feel the same way under the circumstances.

So now the only thing left to do besides cry and eat my weight in chocolate, is to patiently wait for when I’m actually ready to move on to the next thing. I have about a million reasons why I want to move on today, but I think for now I’m going to wait.  I don’t know how to do this ex-girlfriend thing anymore than I knew how to do the girlfriend thing in the first place.  I guess there is a learning curve with all of it.  I just wish this was a class that I never had to take.



5 thoughts on “For the Longest Time

  1. tinam81 says:

    I don’t “like” this post because I like the subject matter, but I can relate to your feelings.

    Hang in there.

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